Two years.....unbelieveable....

It's hard to believe Daddy's been with Jesus for two years now. I struggle with being sad, with focusing on my loss, with how it would be to still have him here, with why it's unfair that he's not......These are my struggles in spite of the fact that if he were able to talk with me, he would encourage me to look past (or away from) those attitudes.... Here's the meat of the matter. It's (still) hard to let go, so easy to miss him, so want things to be different because he was such a great man. Husband, father, brother, uncle, son , friend, teacher....he made you love him....because he loved you. You always knew he had your best interest in mind and would put you before himself. Because of who he was, the hurt goes deeper, the recovery longer.....and the joy greater. What a blessing. He was gentle and firm. FUNNY and serious. Hard working and....just hard working. He stood firm in his convictions and in his commitments to his family, his church, his friends, but most importantly to his God. GOD IS REAL was his mantra. And he was not afraid to stand behind that truth as he lived among us. It is a blessing to me to know he lived his life for others and then appreciated what God did for him. I am blessed to be his daughter....I am blessed to miss him so..... I love you, Daddy!

Great loss, great blessing...

One year ago today. Unbelievable. On this day last year, Daddy continued his life with Jesus. He worshiped God in person. And I wondered how I would ever function normally again. But, of course, God has blessed. He has under girded me and folded me in His arms. And I do function. I have a different normal, created and sustained by my Heavenly Father. Today, though it still hurts, I can think of him and realize once again all the blessings from my relationship with him without being overwhelmed by my loss. I still don't like it. Can you be submissive and still a bit disgruntled? Either somehow you can or the Lord is continuing to be gentle and patient with me.....probably the latter. Today we will gather at his grave and miss him and love him and...love mama through this day...

Today's Daddy's birthday....

Thanksgiving was hard. Christmas was difficult. But today's Daddy's birthday. Another "first" for the fam. I can finally talk about him without tearing up (at least). Memories are triggered and I can smile. Finally, life seems "doable" again. It has been a difficult journey with lessons abounding. I appreciate more. I am more sensitive to the grief others carry. Each day is more precious to me. I always knew tomorrow was not guaranteed to us. Now I know that better.

Daddy left us with a desire to do more, to serve God better. Even as he is gone from us, we want to make him proud. We choose to honor him by continuing his love for ministry in our own lives. His influence carries us through each day as we imagine his smile, his voice, his love and his laughter. He will be with us forever.

I do not begin to try to understand God's ways. I sometimes struggle with why my daddy is gone while other daddys remain. It is selfish, really. Neither do I understand why I was so supremely blessed while others are not. It's all part of His amazing plan for His children. It all works together. It's all good. It's all true, 'cause GOD IS REAL....

All is Well....

I looked at this as the Christmas to forget. The one to get through and be done with. The first Christmas ever without my Daddy. I have been so very sad. We all knew this would be difficult (Thanksgiving was no picnic.). I remember last Christmas talking about plans for this Christmas and hearing Daddy say, "I don't care. I won't be here." Yes he did. I want to be angry at him as if saying it made it so. Silly. But still. It's almost as if he and the Lord had come to an agreement without consulting the rest of us.

As I greeted Mom this morning at breakfast, I hugged her neck and lost it. "I miss my Daddy." She said she knows. We cried a little, recovered and separated, knowing this would not be the last tears we would shed on this day.

As I headed to church, I pleaded with the Lord. "Please, You've got to give me something. I need something from You today." As my heart has continued to heal, there are still moments when I don't want to face the reality, the finality (at least on this earth) of my loss. I feel as if a blessing has been ripped from my heart. I went to church seeking. One of the musical selections was "All is well."
As I listened, I realized from God's perspective, everything is going as planned. He is accomplishing His purposes. This is all a right, good thing. (As if this is a new concept in dealing with this situation...) I was reminded of once when I was driving my oldest 3 kids home on an unfamiliar route. It was dark and I couldn't seem to find my way. Finally, I heard Joy (around 4 at the time) tell Shane, "Shane, we better pray!" I remembered in Malaysia, telling the cabdriver where we needed to go, then sitting back and relaxing, confident in where he would take us.

Interesting.....when I'm in control, I tend to get in trouble. But when I trust the one who knows where to go and what route to take to get there, I can sit back and relax. The Lord said to me today, "Relax. We're on the right route. All is well. I have a plan for you, not to harm you, but to give you hope."

The moral of the story if this: Sadness comes when I relate my situation to the pain it causes me and do not focus on God's plan to glorify Himself. End of story.

When Jesus was in the garden, he did not like what He was going through, what He was ABOUT to go through. He prayed for relief, escape. Nevertheless, He continued, "...not my will, but Thine be done." When my will gets in the way, everything goes downhill. I am failing to be excited to be a part of God's plan for me and those around me. I only feel the hurt and sadness. It is a natural, normal thing to grieve. That's easy. Too easy. However, as my intimacy with the Lord grows, there should also be an expectation of what He's doing, what He wants to accomplish, how He can use my hurts for His glory.

We serve an amazing, mighty God, and He is real.......

Daddy planted rye grass

So I asked Mom if she wanted me to plant rye grass this fall. "OH. No. No. No." she replied. Daddy always planted winter rye grass and had the most beautiful green lawn all winter long. He enjoyed having soft,green grass while all the neighbors suffered with their brown crunchy yards. But he also grumbled all winter when he had to continue to cut his grass and those around him didn't. That's the part mama was remembering. In the end, it was worth the effort.

So today I was on water duty. (It takes nearly an hour to properly water everything in the yard Daddy has planted EVERYWHERE. Such a farmer at heart he was forever buying seeds for new plants he wanted to try out or breaking off a seed pod out somewhere-restaurants, stores, whatever. No planter was off limits). As I moved through the back yard, I began to notice something interesting. There are little sprouts of grass everywhere, mostly showing up in previously bare spots. There they are, poking their little blades up through the South Carolina red clay. Saluting to anyone who would notice. I began to look among the other established grasses and sure enough-rye grass.

Now winter rye grass is supposed to only last one season. You're SUPPOSED to have to replant it each fall. But seeds in my Daddy's hand turned magic. They had no choice but to grow. So this first winter without him, seeds dropped from last winter have taken root and now are reaching to heaven as if to honor his untiring efforts to prepare the soil, to plant, to grow, to reap.

As I thought through this scenario, I was both admonished and encouraged. I was admonished to plant seeds. So many people came to us when Daddy died to tell us of the seeds he had planted in their lives, of how they had grown and what that had meant to them. I can still picture his gnarly old finger as he would poke a hole in the soil, cover it up, give it a pat and move on down the row. May I ever be constant in the planting of seeds....

And there is encouragement as well. Sometimes we put so much effort into someone, or some project or lesson or music. And from what we can see, there does not seem to be much in the way of results for our efforts. But always remember Daddy's rye grass. You never know what's taken root, what's living below the surface that is just waiting there ready to sprout and grow.

I have to wonder what kind of heavenly plants Daddy is enjoying today......Hey Dad! Toss down some seeds for me and Andy!

...mama without daddy....

That's what happens when Daddy goes to Haiti on a mission's trip. Or perhaps when Mom goes to a ladies' retreat. Sometimes it would be when Daddy would go fishing. It lasts a week, a weekend, a day. It's temporary. The separation ends and they are together again.

Our situation now is temporary as well. One day we will all gather again in heaven. It will be glorious. I may rush past Christ lookin' for Daddy. However, even though I know we will see him again, it is final for life here on earth. He's never coming back here. We are to learn what our new normal is, minus his influence, strength, humor and love; Mom more so than the rest of us.

Grieving for Daddy is one thing. Watching her suffer as she grieves is just as painful. They met while teenagers, quickly fell in love and married. Sometimes you just know the right thing to do and they did. They committed their lives to each other for eternity without looking back, without regrets, without hesitation. And so it was for 56 years. They were one in every sense of the word. Even when they might not completely agree, they went forward as one, in unity.

How? In describing her loss, I have compared it to losing a leg or an arm. It is like missing a part of your body, a part you've always had there with you, one you depend on. And now, you must learn to survive life without it. You must struggle to compensate. Mom would agree with that, only she uses a different part of the anatomy: the head. She says she lost her head.

Mama has always been strong, self-sufficient, independent. Nobody told her what to do .....except for Daddy. Early in their marriage, she willingly, purposefully placed herself under Dad's authority. She subjected herself to him. She let him be the boss. In turn, he protected her, led her and often yielded to her desires. Always, they would make decisions together. At any rate, every aspect of her life began and ended with how it involved Dad. How would it help him? How might it inconvenience him? What would he think? How would he react? What were his needs or expectations? How would it reflect on his name? Would it make him proud? Would it show him love? Would it support his purposes in life? What would he want her to do? He was her head and she flourished in her role as his wife. They were a team, supporting and protecting each other. Always each had the other in mind.

Now. Now all that must change. Wow. How? That has been her struggle these last 17 weeks since he left us. At first, she collapsed in agony. The pain paralyzed her whole being. It's not that she was defeated. Not Mom. But she had to take some time to allow her wound to heal a bit. She didn't wallow in her grief or shut down in despair. Always she strove to move forward, whatever that meant. But an injury as severe as the one she suffered requires a time of immobilization, a time to regroup and refocus. She has done that.

She will have new ministries. God will take her where she is now and use her to meet the needs of those within her sphere of influence. Her direction in life will no longer include Daddy, but will reflect her desire to demonstrate her love to her new direct headship, her Savior. As she begins this new aspect of her life, she will grow stronger. She will see purpose again in life. Hope once again will present itself. She will remember that even though Dad is gone, her God remains. She will live for Him.

As I reflect on Mom and Dad and their life together, I am reminded that God describes our relationship with Him as a marriage relationship. We are His bride. Never, ever, anywhere else have I seen a more potent example of what that relationship should be, how it should look, than my parents. If we are the bride of Christ and mom is an example of that bride, I have to ask myself: How does my life display love for my Savior? Does every aspect of my life involve Him? How does my life help Him, inconvenience Him? What does He think? How would He react? What are His needs and expectations? How does my life reflect on His name? Does it make Him proud? Does it support His purposes? What would He want me to do?

Mom was consumed by her love for Daddy. Am I consumed by my love for my God? As I take inventory of my desires, actions, attitudes, reactions and purposes, of how I fill my days, what I let offend me, what I think about, my selfishness and pride....I fall desperately short of the example my mom has set for me.

Teach me, Lord.....show me where I have not submitted. Help me understand true commitment. Your faithfulness to me has been unfaltering. Help me to learn from You....to learn from mama.

This is where I rest.....

And so.....life goes on. God brings trials into our lives, provides His mercy and grace to get through them and then leads us forward, on into life, with its new normalcy.

I find myself asking, "So, what have I learned? How have I grown, been changed? How has this experience made me more like Christ?"

Because I know all things work together for good Rom 8:28
For me to live is Christ (not myself)Phil.1:21
If I walk uprightly, I will enter into peace Is 57:1-2
My ways are not His ways Is 55:8
I will count it all joy when.... James 1:2
I can do all things through Christ Phil 4:13
God takes my hand and will help me Is 43:13
If He is directing me, I do not have to understand Prov 20:24
He is the strength of my heart Ps 73:26
As my heart seeks His, I will rejoice Ps 105:3
GOD IS REAL-Jack Dean

I cannot allow this excruciating experience to go on without determining its profit in my life. It MUST be worth the cost. My realization is that to be able to grow in relationship with Him, I WILL continue to struggle through situations similar to losing Daddy. They are necessary and right as part of my Christian life. He uses them as tools to teach me and mold me. I want this transformation. I think. At least in theory, I do. But the cost? Am I willing? Desirous even? Yes. No. Okay. Okay. No. This is where I must fall into His loving arms and say, "Whatever!" Yes, whatever You do, I know You love me. Whatever comes, You know what is best for me. Whatever crosses my path, You promise to walk with me, hold me up when necessary, reassure me constantly.

This is where I rest. I leave my life in His hands. I know I can't do it. Often I don't want it. Always I want to submit to His plan..."that Christ may be magnified in my body whether by life or by death. For me to live is Christ...."