....I will hold you up......

Lord what are you thinking? Enough is enough. Can't do this any more. Don't want to do this any more. Same ol' story. Just when I think it's all under control. BAM! Another onslaught of sadness, despair, disbelief and feelings of futility. What will make a difference to my heart? When? Why? Why? Why?

Lord, I know you asked your Father if there were any other way to "let this cup pass" from you. Obviously, there wasn't. Not for You. Not for me. I just need to see You working. I need to feel relief from this weight that incapacitates me. You tell me, "Fear thou not, for I am with thee. Do not be dismayed, for I am thy God." But I AM dismayed, Lord. I can't seem to help it. I KNOW You are my God, but helplessness is my constant companion. Strengthen me, help me, hold me up, Lord.

I am despondent. You are faithful. You have blessed. Yours ways are perfect. You love me. It is not enough just now, Lord. Help me.

Jesus bring the rain........

Can circumstances possibly change who I forever am in you?

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory.
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes t praise You
Jesus bring the rain.

Bring it on, Lord. I suffer but not as You suffered. I have pain, but nothing compared to the pain You endured for me. I am lonely, but not abandoned. I have questions, but rest in Your wisdom. It's all for You, Father. Glory to You. I know not how you can use my heartache, but am willing to be used if it glorifies Your name.

Just keep my hand in Yours through the process......

She cried last night.....

.....as soon as we got into the car. "I'm not used to going places without him!"

We were leaving a family birthday celebration for "little" Jack, my nephew. It was belated because Daddy died on Jack's birthday and no one (Jack especially) has felt like celebrating. She seemed to be doing okay. Joining in and laughing. Always, there's laughter. But, apparently she had spent the whole evening holding back, making herself be okay. Being strong for us. Bleh.........

I can take the trauma I'm feeling and multiply it by 10 to try to understand what she's going through. "I know other women have lost their husbands...." she would try to explain, "but it's not the same. They didn't have the relationship Jack and I had." This is a true statement. On my cousin's property, there is a tree around which a chain was wrapped many years ago when the tree was much younger. After all these years, the tree has grown around the chain, through its links, holding it permanently in place. If Daddy were the tree, Mom was the chain.

We rode along as she grieved. She has learned to go ahead and cry, feel the pain as thoroughly as she needs to and then settle back in to this new "numbness" of a life she's trying to figure out. "I don't want to be here without him. We were supposed to go together. But I know the Lord has left me here for a reason. I've got to be okay with that." And therein lies the struggle. Always, she's been a rock. In the midst of a crises, you could count on Mom to be in control of the emergency, not controlled by it. But this rock has been cut in two. One part seems solid while the other side is crumbling. She struggles to learn "how" to be okay.

God's grace washes over her. His word is more vibrant and enticing. She prays more intimately now. The Spirit of comfort hovers over her, injecting peace into her life. And she embraces it all. She has learned to love with a Godly love, deep and secure. But the primary object of that love has gone on before her.........

Pray for Mama. She would ask you to pray for strength. She would ask you to pray that she finds the purpose God has for her now. She would ask you to pray for her to honor God as she shares this part of her journey with others......

I love my mama.

Is there life after death......part 2

Days blur together. Time is a tangled mess. I can't make my brain focus. I stumble along half conscious, half in a fog. I've lost someone who has always been part of my life. No matter how I was or where I was, he was forever a part of my life, a part of my "being" really.

I told the others he was my daddy longer than anyone else's. They quickly reminded me I had nothing to do with it. Still a true statement, I said. AND he also loved me best. (I'm sure I'll catch flack for that....oh well.) One fact they cannot refute is how very much like him I am. We were kindred spirits. Over and over in different situations, something would happen, or someone would say something and we would look at each other and know exactly what the other was thinking. Often I would know what he was about to do and avoid it just in time. I loved the things he loved. I noticed the things he noticed. We compared notes and ideas. How do I do life without him?

Well of course, I know I have life after his death. Of course. Of course. Right? Anybody got any hints as to what that looks like? I have pondered this new aspect of my life for the last week. God brought (brings) comfort, but I also needed clarity. I shared with Mom a little "nugget" the Lord laid in my lap the other day. He says to me, He says, "So do you believe you can be even happier in the days to come than you were while he was alive?"..................After some initial disagreement and fierce mental gymnastics, I realized this could be true, that it WOULD be true. If my happiness is based on my relationship with Christ, if all things work together for good, and I know His desire, always, is my joy and fulfillment (in Him), then I can be confident in my future, whatever that may be, whatever it becomes.

Whew....... One day at a time, Lord. Even tomorrow....... Happy on Father's Day..........

Is there life after death?

No feeding tube. Mom and Dad had discussed this numerous times and had promised each other over and over they would not let that happen........Daddy couldn't swallow. He was paralyzed on his right side. He couldn't speak. He was groggy from the meds, but when, in his semi-consciousness, he heard the doctor discussing a feeding tube, he raised up, intensity in his eyes and looked at Mom. "Don't worry, honey. I won't let them do that to you" she assured him. Daddy settled a bit, still hanging on to every spoken word, alert, waiting.

The doctor continued to explain to Mom the reasons for a feeding tube and the repurcussions of not having one. She explained to Mom she would be starving Daddy to death, watching him day after day, slowly dieing. Nevertheless, anguishing, Mom would not budge. No feeding tube.

Completely confused, the doctor turned to Daddy. He was alert and could nod his head. "Mr. Dean, do you understand what will happen without a feeding tube?" He nodded his head. "You know what this means?" He nodded his head. "So you do not want a feeding tube?" He shook his head. "You're okay with this?" Again, affirmation. "Well, that's it then." And the doctor shrugged her shoulders, turned and walked out, absolutely sure they had made the wrong decision.

Daddy relaxed. His blood pressure dropped significantly, and he closed his eyes. Preparations were made to move him out of the ICU and into another room. Two day later, Daddy was discussing it all with Jesus. The doctor was called back in to confirm he was gone. There was really no medical reason he should be gone yet. The doctor seemed at a loss once again.

Why wasn't he fighting to stay alive? Why was Mom so calm about it all. Why, with seven children was there not one who disagreed? Where was the fear, the uncertainty? Love for him was evident. We didn't want him to go. What then?

Relationship. In a society where death is to be avoided at all costs, you do everything you can to stay alive. We dread death. We fear it. We don't want it and run from it given the opportunity. So, why was it so easy for Daddy to move toward his death with peace and contentment? Why was heaven his peaceful choice? Relationship. Not his mom and dad who were already there. Not the unborn child whom he'd never met who waited for him. No. The primary draw with his relationship with his Savior. He longed to see Jesus. Daddy always told us GOD IS REAL. He knew this to be true and couldn't wait to be with him. This desire drew him from loving relationships here to the One who gave His life as a sacrifice to pay for Daddy's sin. This was truth beyond doubt for my dad. He never wavered. And so he did not fear. He longed for it and was glad to make the transition.

What of us left behind? Do we fear death? What does that say of our relationship with Christ? GOD IS REAL. One day "every knee will bow, every tongue confess" and we will understand once and for all His deep desire for close intimate relationship with us.

"...O death, where is thy sting?....."

Days of our lives.....

And so it goes. Days where you think you can't go on. Days when you're angry at people who walk in the sunshine and laugh. Days that you try to make sense of things and get a grip on this new reality in your life. One step in front of the other. One day after the other. Finally, days where you smile more than you cry. It's a journey.

Mom is a rock. Always has been. The lighthouse in the storm. But this is different. So very different. When your life is meshed with someone else's for 56 years, part of you is missing when they are gone. Jack and Joy. She struggles with how to define life without him. How think without considering him. How to "be." But she forges on. Confident in the Lord's strength and desiring to find His purpose for her life now.

It matters that my daddy died.....

In a world bereft of honorable men, we are short one more. Dad lived his life honorably in so many ways. He wanted to honor his dad and so refrained from certain activities as a teenager because of how it might reflect on his dad's name. He honored my mom in every way possible. He honored her by loving her and leading her. And she responded with respect and support. He honored me by being the kind of man of which I could always be proud; and by living life in such a way that I could see a lifestyle demonstrated before me that would help me know how to live. He honored his friends, students, players and anyone who crossed his path by giving them his heart. He was ever ready to sacrifice to meet the need of another. But most of all he honored his Lord. All else was secondary. ALL else was secondary. And, so, when it came time to go home he eagerly embraced it. It matters that he's gone. It matters that his influence is no longer among us. It just matters......

Graveside with Mama

One week ago this evening, Jeff and I were returning home from Mom and Dad's. We had picked up some burgers and stayed to watch Wheel of Fortune with them. Mostly we were watching with Mom. Daddy was too busy shooting squirrels away from his bird feeders. All was normal. We'd see them tomorrow. We'd gather as a family for lunch. Instead, we gathered at the hospital.

One week later, I drove Mom to Daddy's graveside. She had to make sure everything was as it should be. She was a rock, of course. Talking of practical matters and of the abundance of amazing grace the Lord had bestowed upon us through this trial. We talked of how overwhelmingly God's hand was in every detail of every event, every segment of the experience, working out things we would never have given a thought. Even as I acknowledged His presence and work among us, I shook my head in disbelief. This cannot be real. No. No. Each time this happens (and it happens often) He comes to my side, comforts my heart and gives me strength to continue to live on to serve him as Daddy always did.

"Let not your heart be troubled...."

Farewells......

Daddy's funeral this morning.....awesome. Laughter and tears. Smiles and sorrow. In all, the Lord glorified. Daddy is pleased I know. I know he's happy and wouldn't come back if he were given the option. As we are sad for us, we are supremely happy for him. Thanks to many friends and all our family. We grieve not as ones who have no hope. Mom told Daddy to try to keep his mansion clean until she could get up there. Apparently, hers will sit empty while she moves in with Dad.....

....denial....

I just keep shaking my head. As if denying our loss will make it not real. I know God is good. I know He is wise. I know He loves me. So how can He possibly make this situation okay?.....He doesn't make the situation okay. He makes me okay.......He makes Mom okay......hopefully soon.....

Funeral arrangements

The Dean family will be receiving friends at McDougle Funeral Home in Anderson, SC from 6 to 8 Thursday evening. The funeral will be at 10:00 at Oakwood Baptist Church, Anderson, SC on Friday.

New home

Daddy's with Jesus now. He's wanted to go there for a long time. He talks with our Savior. He will give Jesus tips on how best to comfort us.

My Daddy

Sunday morning as Daddy headed out to church, he felt dizzy and collapsed in the carport. EMTs were called and while we watched they took him from us. We would never see him at his fullest again. He was taken to AnMed and it was determined that he had suffered a stroke. He revived for a bit somewhat, then lapsed back into some paralysis which made it difficult for him to communicate with us. He could nod and shake his head. He was very alert and aware of what was going on around him. He was very definite on his desires for his care. He and Mom had discussed possibilities for the future and there were no surprises or need to discuss options. We were careful to respect the decisions and desires that Mom and Dad shared with us. As we all know, Daddy knows the direction he wants to go. There's no second guessing. No faltering or wavering. Full steam ahead, no looking back. So be it Daddy.

Today, he is resting. His breathing is shallow and irregular. He does not seem to be aware of the love and music and prayers going on around him. But we are aware. It is a balm to our breaking hearts. We do not sorrow without a hope. We sorrow for our loss, not his. When his time comes, he will go before us and we will catch up with him later. This certainty offers little comfort just now, but is a promise we will hold on to.