She cried last night.....

.....as soon as we got into the car. "I'm not used to going places without him!"

We were leaving a family birthday celebration for "little" Jack, my nephew. It was belated because Daddy died on Jack's birthday and no one (Jack especially) has felt like celebrating. She seemed to be doing okay. Joining in and laughing. Always, there's laughter. But, apparently she had spent the whole evening holding back, making herself be okay. Being strong for us. Bleh.........

I can take the trauma I'm feeling and multiply it by 10 to try to understand what she's going through. "I know other women have lost their husbands...." she would try to explain, "but it's not the same. They didn't have the relationship Jack and I had." This is a true statement. On my cousin's property, there is a tree around which a chain was wrapped many years ago when the tree was much younger. After all these years, the tree has grown around the chain, through its links, holding it permanently in place. If Daddy were the tree, Mom was the chain.

We rode along as she grieved. She has learned to go ahead and cry, feel the pain as thoroughly as she needs to and then settle back in to this new "numbness" of a life she's trying to figure out. "I don't want to be here without him. We were supposed to go together. But I know the Lord has left me here for a reason. I've got to be okay with that." And therein lies the struggle. Always, she's been a rock. In the midst of a crises, you could count on Mom to be in control of the emergency, not controlled by it. But this rock has been cut in two. One part seems solid while the other side is crumbling. She struggles to learn "how" to be okay.

God's grace washes over her. His word is more vibrant and enticing. She prays more intimately now. The Spirit of comfort hovers over her, injecting peace into her life. And she embraces it all. She has learned to love with a Godly love, deep and secure. But the primary object of that love has gone on before her.........

Pray for Mama. She would ask you to pray for strength. She would ask you to pray that she finds the purpose God has for her now. She would ask you to pray for her to honor God as she shares this part of her journey with others......

I love my mama.