Days blur together. Time is a tangled mess. I can't make my brain focus. I stumble along half conscious, half in a fog. I've lost someone who has always been part of my life. No matter how I was or where I was, he was forever a part of my life, a part of my "being" really.
I told the others he was my daddy longer than anyone else's. They quickly reminded me I had nothing to do with it. Still a true statement, I said. AND he also loved me best. (I'm sure I'll catch flack for that....oh well.) One fact they cannot refute is how very much like him I am. We were kindred spirits. Over and over in different situations, something would happen, or someone would say something and we would look at each other and know exactly what the other was thinking. Often I would know what he was about to do and avoid it just in time. I loved the things he loved. I noticed the things he noticed. We compared notes and ideas. How do I do life without him?
Well of course, I know I have life after his death. Of course. Of course. Right? Anybody got any hints as to what that looks like? I have pondered this new aspect of my life for the last week. God brought (brings) comfort, but I also needed clarity. I shared with Mom a little "nugget" the Lord laid in my lap the other day. He says to me, He says, "So do you believe you can be even happier in the days to come than you were while he was alive?"..................After some initial disagreement and fierce mental gymnastics, I realized this could be true, that it WOULD be true. If my happiness is based on my relationship with Christ, if all things work together for good, and I know His desire, always, is my joy and fulfillment (in Him), then I can be confident in my future, whatever that may be, whatever it becomes.
Whew....... One day at a time, Lord. Even tomorrow....... Happy on Father's Day..........
Robyn - as the oldest "child" in my family, I totally "get" what you are saying! After 15 months, I am starting to feel like "me" again. But a different "me". It is hard to explain. I notice "little" things more. Try to be more aware of others. Try to be kinder - believe me; I am much more aware of the fact that everything can look "ok" on the outside while there is anguish and grief and intense pain on the inside. For months, I could not even say my dad's name without feeling wrenching pain and shedding tears. There are still tears - but gradually God has brought healing and where there was PAIN, there is still loneliness, but a looking forward to "the bright hope of tomorrow". It is very hard to explain...praying for you, my friend!
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