So now I must move.......

I sat with Mom and watched the video of Dad's funeral last night. Mom said she didn't remember much of the service and wanted to watch it. Personally, someone handed me my copy weeks ago. Not sure where I put it. Had no plans to need it any time soon. So, when Mom asked if I wanted to watch it, my heart said, "Uh.....no way....." But I wasn't about to let her watch it by herself. "Sure, if you want to," was my reply. So we did.

I sat a bit behind her and to the side. I watched her as much as I did the service. Occasionally I couldn't watch either, so I watched the lava lamp. She watched quietly, amazed at the parts she couldn't remember at all. She would choke up, giggle, nod her head, say "Amen", ask questions, make comments. All in all it was a pleasant experience for her. Not sure how she fared after we left.....

For me it was surreal. My heart tries to accept it while my brain tries to make sense of it. Can it really be true? He's gone and we'll never poke at each other again? For real? I don't think it would be any harder to try to learn to live without my right arm (something else I've had my whole life) than it has been to learn a new life without my Daddy.

Funny, though. I feel no resentment or anger. I know God orchestrated this and it will all "work together for good." No question, no doubt. It's just that as I look at the path the Lord has laid before me, I look down at my feet and try to understand how I can get them to move. One step in front of the other. My feet are enclosed in cinder blocks. I'm willing to move forward, it's just.......

I look down the path as far as I can see. Something's not quite right. I can't see Daddy anywhere. Wait. We need to wait. He'll be here in a second. But that's not right either. He's always out front, ready to go before any one else is. Leading.... Maybe that's it. While we haven't always agreed, he's always been out there. A force to move toward without question. If he's going that direction, I can also go there, safely, expectantly, happily.

So now I must move. Forward. In the direction that would honor Daddy. I can do this and know that I will also be honoring God. I will take what he has taught me and embrace it. I will pick up his passions and tuck them away in my heart. I will love God as he did, humbly, deeply. I will see God work in my life and use me as He did Daddy. It's a good thing.....

Ready.......