I looked at this as the Christmas to forget. The one to get through and be done with. The first Christmas ever without my Daddy. I have been so very sad. We all knew this would be difficult (Thanksgiving was no picnic.). I remember last Christmas talking about plans for this Christmas and hearing Daddy say, "I don't care. I won't be here." Yes he did. I want to be angry at him as if saying it made it so. Silly. But still. It's almost as if he and the Lord had come to an agreement without consulting the rest of us.
As I greeted Mom this morning at breakfast, I hugged her neck and lost it. "I miss my Daddy." She said she knows. We cried a little, recovered and separated, knowing this would not be the last tears we would shed on this day.
As I headed to church, I pleaded with the Lord. "Please, You've got to give me something. I need something from You today." As my heart has continued to heal, there are still moments when I don't want to face the reality, the finality (at least on this earth) of my loss. I feel as if a blessing has been ripped from my heart. I went to church seeking. One of the musical selections was "All is well."
As I listened, I realized from God's perspective, everything is going as planned. He is accomplishing His purposes. This is all a right, good thing. (As if this is a new concept in dealing with this situation...) I was reminded of once when I was driving my oldest 3 kids home on an unfamiliar route. It was dark and I couldn't seem to find my way. Finally, I heard Joy (around 4 at the time) tell Shane, "Shane, we better pray!" I remembered in Malaysia, telling the cabdriver where we needed to go, then sitting back and relaxing, confident in where he would take us.
Interesting.....when I'm in control, I tend to get in trouble. But when I trust the one who knows where to go and what route to take to get there, I can sit back and relax. The Lord said to me today, "Relax. We're on the right route. All is well. I have a plan for you, not to harm you, but to give you hope."
The moral of the story if this: Sadness comes when I relate my situation to the pain it causes me and do not focus on God's plan to glorify Himself. End of story.
When Jesus was in the garden, he did not like what He was going through, what He was ABOUT to go through. He prayed for relief, escape. Nevertheless, He continued, "...not my will, but Thine be done." When my will gets in the way, everything goes downhill. I am failing to be excited to be a part of God's plan for me and those around me. I only feel the hurt and sadness. It is a natural, normal thing to grieve. That's easy. Too easy. However, as my intimacy with the Lord grows, there should also be an expectation of what He's doing, what He wants to accomplish, how He can use my hurts for His glory.
We serve an amazing, mighty God, and He is real.......
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Daddy planted rye grass
So I asked Mom if she wanted me to plant rye grass this fall. "OH. No. No. No." she replied. Daddy always planted winter rye grass and had the most beautiful green lawn all winter long. He enjoyed having soft,green grass while all the neighbors suffered with their brown crunchy yards. But he also grumbled all winter when he had to continue to cut his grass and those around him didn't. That's the part mama was remembering. In the end, it was worth the effort.
So today I was on water duty. (It takes nearly an hour to properly water everything in the yard Daddy has planted EVERYWHERE. Such a farmer at heart he was forever buying seeds for new plants he wanted to try out or breaking off a seed pod out somewhere-restaurants, stores, whatever. No planter was off limits). As I moved through the back yard, I began to notice something interesting. There are little sprouts of grass everywhere, mostly showing up in previously bare spots. There they are, poking their little blades up through the South Carolina red clay. Saluting to anyone who would notice. I began to look among the other established grasses and sure enough-rye grass.
Now winter rye grass is supposed to only last one season. You're SUPPOSED to have to replant it each fall. But seeds in my Daddy's hand turned magic. They had no choice but to grow. So this first winter without him, seeds dropped from last winter have taken root and now are reaching to heaven as if to honor his untiring efforts to prepare the soil, to plant, to grow, to reap.
As I thought through this scenario, I was both admonished and encouraged. I was admonished to plant seeds. So many people came to us when Daddy died to tell us of the seeds he had planted in their lives, of how they had grown and what that had meant to them. I can still picture his gnarly old finger as he would poke a hole in the soil, cover it up, give it a pat and move on down the row. May I ever be constant in the planting of seeds....
And there is encouragement as well. Sometimes we put so much effort into someone, or some project or lesson or music. And from what we can see, there does not seem to be much in the way of results for our efforts. But always remember Daddy's rye grass. You never know what's taken root, what's living below the surface that is just waiting there ready to sprout and grow.
I have to wonder what kind of heavenly plants Daddy is enjoying today......Hey Dad! Toss down some seeds for me and Andy!
So today I was on water duty. (It takes nearly an hour to properly water everything in the yard Daddy has planted EVERYWHERE. Such a farmer at heart he was forever buying seeds for new plants he wanted to try out or breaking off a seed pod out somewhere-restaurants, stores, whatever. No planter was off limits). As I moved through the back yard, I began to notice something interesting. There are little sprouts of grass everywhere, mostly showing up in previously bare spots. There they are, poking their little blades up through the South Carolina red clay. Saluting to anyone who would notice. I began to look among the other established grasses and sure enough-rye grass.
Now winter rye grass is supposed to only last one season. You're SUPPOSED to have to replant it each fall. But seeds in my Daddy's hand turned magic. They had no choice but to grow. So this first winter without him, seeds dropped from last winter have taken root and now are reaching to heaven as if to honor his untiring efforts to prepare the soil, to plant, to grow, to reap.
As I thought through this scenario, I was both admonished and encouraged. I was admonished to plant seeds. So many people came to us when Daddy died to tell us of the seeds he had planted in their lives, of how they had grown and what that had meant to them. I can still picture his gnarly old finger as he would poke a hole in the soil, cover it up, give it a pat and move on down the row. May I ever be constant in the planting of seeds....
And there is encouragement as well. Sometimes we put so much effort into someone, or some project or lesson or music. And from what we can see, there does not seem to be much in the way of results for our efforts. But always remember Daddy's rye grass. You never know what's taken root, what's living below the surface that is just waiting there ready to sprout and grow.
I have to wonder what kind of heavenly plants Daddy is enjoying today......Hey Dad! Toss down some seeds for me and Andy!
Saturday, October 1, 2011
...mama without daddy....
That's what happens when Daddy goes to Haiti on a mission's trip. Or perhaps when Mom goes to a ladies' retreat. Sometimes it would be when Daddy would go fishing. It lasts a week, a weekend, a day. It's temporary. The separation ends and they are together again.
Our situation now is temporary as well. One day we will all gather again in heaven. It will be glorious. I may rush past Christ lookin' for Daddy. However, even though I know we will see him again, it is final for life here on earth. He's never coming back here. We are to learn what our new normal is, minus his influence, strength, humor and love; Mom more so than the rest of us.
Grieving for Daddy is one thing. Watching her suffer as she grieves is just as painful. They met while teenagers, quickly fell in love and married. Sometimes you just know the right thing to do and they did. They committed their lives to each other for eternity without looking back, without regrets, without hesitation. And so it was for 56 years. They were one in every sense of the word. Even when they might not completely agree, they went forward as one, in unity.
How? In describing her loss, I have compared it to losing a leg or an arm. It is like missing a part of your body, a part you've always had there with you, one you depend on. And now, you must learn to survive life without it. You must struggle to compensate. Mom would agree with that, only she uses a different part of the anatomy: the head. She says she lost her head.
Mama has always been strong, self-sufficient, independent. Nobody told her what to do .....except for Daddy. Early in their marriage, she willingly, purposefully placed herself under Dad's authority. She subjected herself to him. She let him be the boss. In turn, he protected her, led her and often yielded to her desires. Always, they would make decisions together. At any rate, every aspect of her life began and ended with how it involved Dad. How would it help him? How might it inconvenience him? What would he think? How would he react? What were his needs or expectations? How would it reflect on his name? Would it make him proud? Would it show him love? Would it support his purposes in life? What would he want her to do? He was her head and she flourished in her role as his wife. They were a team, supporting and protecting each other. Always each had the other in mind.
Now. Now all that must change. Wow. How? That has been her struggle these last 17 weeks since he left us. At first, she collapsed in agony. The pain paralyzed her whole being. It's not that she was defeated. Not Mom. But she had to take some time to allow her wound to heal a bit. She didn't wallow in her grief or shut down in despair. Always she strove to move forward, whatever that meant. But an injury as severe as the one she suffered requires a time of immobilization, a time to regroup and refocus. She has done that.
She will have new ministries. God will take her where she is now and use her to meet the needs of those within her sphere of influence. Her direction in life will no longer include Daddy, but will reflect her desire to demonstrate her love to her new direct headship, her Savior. As she begins this new aspect of her life, she will grow stronger. She will see purpose again in life. Hope once again will present itself. She will remember that even though Dad is gone, her God remains. She will live for Him.
As I reflect on Mom and Dad and their life together, I am reminded that God describes our relationship with Him as a marriage relationship. We are His bride. Never, ever, anywhere else have I seen a more potent example of what that relationship should be, how it should look, than my parents. If we are the bride of Christ and mom is an example of that bride, I have to ask myself: How does my life display love for my Savior? Does every aspect of my life involve Him? How does my life help Him, inconvenience Him? What does He think? How would He react? What are His needs and expectations? How does my life reflect on His name? Does it make Him proud? Does it support His purposes? What would He want me to do?
Mom was consumed by her love for Daddy. Am I consumed by my love for my God? As I take inventory of my desires, actions, attitudes, reactions and purposes, of how I fill my days, what I let offend me, what I think about, my selfishness and pride....I fall desperately short of the example my mom has set for me.
Teach me, Lord.....show me where I have not submitted. Help me understand true commitment. Your faithfulness to me has been unfaltering. Help me to learn from You....to learn from mama.
Our situation now is temporary as well. One day we will all gather again in heaven. It will be glorious. I may rush past Christ lookin' for Daddy. However, even though I know we will see him again, it is final for life here on earth. He's never coming back here. We are to learn what our new normal is, minus his influence, strength, humor and love; Mom more so than the rest of us.
Grieving for Daddy is one thing. Watching her suffer as she grieves is just as painful. They met while teenagers, quickly fell in love and married. Sometimes you just know the right thing to do and they did. They committed their lives to each other for eternity without looking back, without regrets, without hesitation. And so it was for 56 years. They were one in every sense of the word. Even when they might not completely agree, they went forward as one, in unity.
How? In describing her loss, I have compared it to losing a leg or an arm. It is like missing a part of your body, a part you've always had there with you, one you depend on. And now, you must learn to survive life without it. You must struggle to compensate. Mom would agree with that, only she uses a different part of the anatomy: the head. She says she lost her head.
Mama has always been strong, self-sufficient, independent. Nobody told her what to do .....except for Daddy. Early in their marriage, she willingly, purposefully placed herself under Dad's authority. She subjected herself to him. She let him be the boss. In turn, he protected her, led her and often yielded to her desires. Always, they would make decisions together. At any rate, every aspect of her life began and ended with how it involved Dad. How would it help him? How might it inconvenience him? What would he think? How would he react? What were his needs or expectations? How would it reflect on his name? Would it make him proud? Would it show him love? Would it support his purposes in life? What would he want her to do? He was her head and she flourished in her role as his wife. They were a team, supporting and protecting each other. Always each had the other in mind.
Now. Now all that must change. Wow. How? That has been her struggle these last 17 weeks since he left us. At first, she collapsed in agony. The pain paralyzed her whole being. It's not that she was defeated. Not Mom. But she had to take some time to allow her wound to heal a bit. She didn't wallow in her grief or shut down in despair. Always she strove to move forward, whatever that meant. But an injury as severe as the one she suffered requires a time of immobilization, a time to regroup and refocus. She has done that.
She will have new ministries. God will take her where she is now and use her to meet the needs of those within her sphere of influence. Her direction in life will no longer include Daddy, but will reflect her desire to demonstrate her love to her new direct headship, her Savior. As she begins this new aspect of her life, she will grow stronger. She will see purpose again in life. Hope once again will present itself. She will remember that even though Dad is gone, her God remains. She will live for Him.
As I reflect on Mom and Dad and their life together, I am reminded that God describes our relationship with Him as a marriage relationship. We are His bride. Never, ever, anywhere else have I seen a more potent example of what that relationship should be, how it should look, than my parents. If we are the bride of Christ and mom is an example of that bride, I have to ask myself: How does my life display love for my Savior? Does every aspect of my life involve Him? How does my life help Him, inconvenience Him? What does He think? How would He react? What are His needs and expectations? How does my life reflect on His name? Does it make Him proud? Does it support His purposes? What would He want me to do?
Mom was consumed by her love for Daddy. Am I consumed by my love for my God? As I take inventory of my desires, actions, attitudes, reactions and purposes, of how I fill my days, what I let offend me, what I think about, my selfishness and pride....I fall desperately short of the example my mom has set for me.
Teach me, Lord.....show me where I have not submitted. Help me understand true commitment. Your faithfulness to me has been unfaltering. Help me to learn from You....to learn from mama.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
This is where I rest.....
And so.....life goes on. God brings trials into our lives, provides His mercy and grace to get through them and then leads us forward, on into life, with its new normalcy.
I find myself asking, "So, what have I learned? How have I grown, been changed? How has this experience made me more like Christ?"
Because I know all things work together for good Rom 8:28
For me to live is Christ (not myself)Phil.1:21
If I walk uprightly, I will enter into peace Is 57:1-2
My ways are not His ways Is 55:8
I will count it all joy when.... James 1:2
I can do all things through Christ Phil 4:13
God takes my hand and will help me Is 43:13
If He is directing me, I do not have to understand Prov 20:24
He is the strength of my heart Ps 73:26
As my heart seeks His, I will rejoice Ps 105:3
GOD IS REAL-Jack Dean
I cannot allow this excruciating experience to go on without determining its profit in my life. It MUST be worth the cost. My realization is that to be able to grow in relationship with Him, I WILL continue to struggle through situations similar to losing Daddy. They are necessary and right as part of my Christian life. He uses them as tools to teach me and mold me. I want this transformation. I think. At least in theory, I do. But the cost? Am I willing? Desirous even? Yes. No. Okay. Okay. No. This is where I must fall into His loving arms and say, "Whatever!" Yes, whatever You do, I know You love me. Whatever comes, You know what is best for me. Whatever crosses my path, You promise to walk with me, hold me up when necessary, reassure me constantly.
This is where I rest. I leave my life in His hands. I know I can't do it. Often I don't want it. Always I want to submit to His plan..."that Christ may be magnified in my body whether by life or by death. For me to live is Christ...."
I find myself asking, "So, what have I learned? How have I grown, been changed? How has this experience made me more like Christ?"
Because I know all things work together for good Rom 8:28
For me to live is Christ (not myself)Phil.1:21
If I walk uprightly, I will enter into peace Is 57:1-2
My ways are not His ways Is 55:8
I will count it all joy when.... James 1:2
I can do all things through Christ Phil 4:13
God takes my hand and will help me Is 43:13
If He is directing me, I do not have to understand Prov 20:24
He is the strength of my heart Ps 73:26
As my heart seeks His, I will rejoice Ps 105:3
GOD IS REAL-Jack Dean
I cannot allow this excruciating experience to go on without determining its profit in my life. It MUST be worth the cost. My realization is that to be able to grow in relationship with Him, I WILL continue to struggle through situations similar to losing Daddy. They are necessary and right as part of my Christian life. He uses them as tools to teach me and mold me. I want this transformation. I think. At least in theory, I do. But the cost? Am I willing? Desirous even? Yes. No. Okay. Okay. No. This is where I must fall into His loving arms and say, "Whatever!" Yes, whatever You do, I know You love me. Whatever comes, You know what is best for me. Whatever crosses my path, You promise to walk with me, hold me up when necessary, reassure me constantly.
This is where I rest. I leave my life in His hands. I know I can't do it. Often I don't want it. Always I want to submit to His plan..."that Christ may be magnified in my body whether by life or by death. For me to live is Christ...."
Friday, July 8, 2011
It's the little things......they jump out and nick your heart...
Over at Mom's. Out in the laundry room helping her find some throat lozenges. Open up the medicine cabinet. Laying on the bottom shelf......Daddy's comb. Quickly look away, close the door....hope Mom didn't notice it. While she's not looking, slip the comb out and tuck it in my pocket. Daddy. Will this grieving never end? It's the little things that sneak up and catch you unawares, unprepared. They jump out and nick your heart before you can ready your defenses.
Often, I'm asked, "How are you? How's your family doing?" I have yet to find a realistic answer to that question. It depends. Right now? Ten minutes from now when I come across Dad's comb? "Mostly good" is how I usually respond.
Slowly I'm trying to understand what's the normal process. I'm finding the grieving is many faceted. On the outside, I might seem okay, normal (whatever that is...). But, I can't focus, can't process simple information. I never feel rested. I get so frustrated with myself because I still can't function at previous levels. In talking with the sibs I find I am not alone. All of our experiences are similar in some way or another. Even as we express gratitude to the Lord for how the whole experience has unfolded, and how He has walked with us each step, we struggle to make sense of this new episode of life.
Inch by inch. Step by step. He shows us the way......
Often, I'm asked, "How are you? How's your family doing?" I have yet to find a realistic answer to that question. It depends. Right now? Ten minutes from now when I come across Dad's comb? "Mostly good" is how I usually respond.
Slowly I'm trying to understand what's the normal process. I'm finding the grieving is many faceted. On the outside, I might seem okay, normal (whatever that is...). But, I can't focus, can't process simple information. I never feel rested. I get so frustrated with myself because I still can't function at previous levels. In talking with the sibs I find I am not alone. All of our experiences are similar in some way or another. Even as we express gratitude to the Lord for how the whole experience has unfolded, and how He has walked with us each step, we struggle to make sense of this new episode of life.
Inch by inch. Step by step. He shows us the way......
Monday, July 4, 2011
So now I must move.......
I sat with Mom and watched the video of Dad's funeral last night. Mom said she didn't remember much of the service and wanted to watch it. Personally, someone handed me my copy weeks ago. Not sure where I put it. Had no plans to need it any time soon. So, when Mom asked if I wanted to watch it, my heart said, "Uh.....no way....." But I wasn't about to let her watch it by herself. "Sure, if you want to," was my reply. So we did.
I sat a bit behind her and to the side. I watched her as much as I did the service. Occasionally I couldn't watch either, so I watched the lava lamp. She watched quietly, amazed at the parts she couldn't remember at all. She would choke up, giggle, nod her head, say "Amen", ask questions, make comments. All in all it was a pleasant experience for her. Not sure how she fared after we left.....
For me it was surreal. My heart tries to accept it while my brain tries to make sense of it. Can it really be true? He's gone and we'll never poke at each other again? For real? I don't think it would be any harder to try to learn to live without my right arm (something else I've had my whole life) than it has been to learn a new life without my Daddy.
Funny, though. I feel no resentment or anger. I know God orchestrated this and it will all "work together for good." No question, no doubt. It's just that as I look at the path the Lord has laid before me, I look down at my feet and try to understand how I can get them to move. One step in front of the other. My feet are enclosed in cinder blocks. I'm willing to move forward, it's just.......
I look down the path as far as I can see. Something's not quite right. I can't see Daddy anywhere. Wait. We need to wait. He'll be here in a second. But that's not right either. He's always out front, ready to go before any one else is. Leading.... Maybe that's it. While we haven't always agreed, he's always been out there. A force to move toward without question. If he's going that direction, I can also go there, safely, expectantly, happily.
So now I must move. Forward. In the direction that would honor Daddy. I can do this and know that I will also be honoring God. I will take what he has taught me and embrace it. I will pick up his passions and tuck them away in my heart. I will love God as he did, humbly, deeply. I will see God work in my life and use me as He did Daddy. It's a good thing.....
Ready.......
I sat a bit behind her and to the side. I watched her as much as I did the service. Occasionally I couldn't watch either, so I watched the lava lamp. She watched quietly, amazed at the parts she couldn't remember at all. She would choke up, giggle, nod her head, say "Amen", ask questions, make comments. All in all it was a pleasant experience for her. Not sure how she fared after we left.....
For me it was surreal. My heart tries to accept it while my brain tries to make sense of it. Can it really be true? He's gone and we'll never poke at each other again? For real? I don't think it would be any harder to try to learn to live without my right arm (something else I've had my whole life) than it has been to learn a new life without my Daddy.
Funny, though. I feel no resentment or anger. I know God orchestrated this and it will all "work together for good." No question, no doubt. It's just that as I look at the path the Lord has laid before me, I look down at my feet and try to understand how I can get them to move. One step in front of the other. My feet are enclosed in cinder blocks. I'm willing to move forward, it's just.......
I look down the path as far as I can see. Something's not quite right. I can't see Daddy anywhere. Wait. We need to wait. He'll be here in a second. But that's not right either. He's always out front, ready to go before any one else is. Leading.... Maybe that's it. While we haven't always agreed, he's always been out there. A force to move toward without question. If he's going that direction, I can also go there, safely, expectantly, happily.
So now I must move. Forward. In the direction that would honor Daddy. I can do this and know that I will also be honoring God. I will take what he has taught me and embrace it. I will pick up his passions and tuck them away in my heart. I will love God as he did, humbly, deeply. I will see God work in my life and use me as He did Daddy. It's a good thing.....
Ready.......
Thursday, June 30, 2011
....I will hold you up......
Lord what are you thinking? Enough is enough. Can't do this any more. Don't want to do this any more. Same ol' story. Just when I think it's all under control. BAM! Another onslaught of sadness, despair, disbelief and feelings of futility. What will make a difference to my heart? When? Why? Why? Why?
Lord, I know you asked your Father if there were any other way to "let this cup pass" from you. Obviously, there wasn't. Not for You. Not for me. I just need to see You working. I need to feel relief from this weight that incapacitates me. You tell me, "Fear thou not, for I am with thee. Do not be dismayed, for I am thy God." But I AM dismayed, Lord. I can't seem to help it. I KNOW You are my God, but helplessness is my constant companion. Strengthen me, help me, hold me up, Lord.
I am despondent. You are faithful. You have blessed. Yours ways are perfect. You love me. It is not enough just now, Lord. Help me.
Lord, I know you asked your Father if there were any other way to "let this cup pass" from you. Obviously, there wasn't. Not for You. Not for me. I just need to see You working. I need to feel relief from this weight that incapacitates me. You tell me, "Fear thou not, for I am with thee. Do not be dismayed, for I am thy God." But I AM dismayed, Lord. I can't seem to help it. I KNOW You are my God, but helplessness is my constant companion. Strengthen me, help me, hold me up, Lord.
I am despondent. You are faithful. You have blessed. Yours ways are perfect. You love me. It is not enough just now, Lord. Help me.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Jesus bring the rain........
Can circumstances possibly change who I forever am in you?
Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory.
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes t praise You
Jesus bring the rain.
Bring it on, Lord. I suffer but not as You suffered. I have pain, but nothing compared to the pain You endured for me. I am lonely, but not abandoned. I have questions, but rest in Your wisdom. It's all for You, Father. Glory to You. I know not how you can use my heartache, but am willing to be used if it glorifies Your name.
Just keep my hand in Yours through the process......
Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory.
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes t praise You
Jesus bring the rain.
Bring it on, Lord. I suffer but not as You suffered. I have pain, but nothing compared to the pain You endured for me. I am lonely, but not abandoned. I have questions, but rest in Your wisdom. It's all for You, Father. Glory to You. I know not how you can use my heartache, but am willing to be used if it glorifies Your name.
Just keep my hand in Yours through the process......
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
She cried last night.....
.....as soon as we got into the car. "I'm not used to going places without him!"
We were leaving a family birthday celebration for "little" Jack, my nephew. It was belated because Daddy died on Jack's birthday and no one (Jack especially) has felt like celebrating. She seemed to be doing okay. Joining in and laughing. Always, there's laughter. But, apparently she had spent the whole evening holding back, making herself be okay. Being strong for us. Bleh.........
I can take the trauma I'm feeling and multiply it by 10 to try to understand what she's going through. "I know other women have lost their husbands...." she would try to explain, "but it's not the same. They didn't have the relationship Jack and I had." This is a true statement. On my cousin's property, there is a tree around which a chain was wrapped many years ago when the tree was much younger. After all these years, the tree has grown around the chain, through its links, holding it permanently in place. If Daddy were the tree, Mom was the chain.
We rode along as she grieved. She has learned to go ahead and cry, feel the pain as thoroughly as she needs to and then settle back in to this new "numbness" of a life she's trying to figure out. "I don't want to be here without him. We were supposed to go together. But I know the Lord has left me here for a reason. I've got to be okay with that." And therein lies the struggle. Always, she's been a rock. In the midst of a crises, you could count on Mom to be in control of the emergency, not controlled by it. But this rock has been cut in two. One part seems solid while the other side is crumbling. She struggles to learn "how" to be okay.
God's grace washes over her. His word is more vibrant and enticing. She prays more intimately now. The Spirit of comfort hovers over her, injecting peace into her life. And she embraces it all. She has learned to love with a Godly love, deep and secure. But the primary object of that love has gone on before her.........
Pray for Mama. She would ask you to pray for strength. She would ask you to pray that she finds the purpose God has for her now. She would ask you to pray for her to honor God as she shares this part of her journey with others......
I love my mama.
We were leaving a family birthday celebration for "little" Jack, my nephew. It was belated because Daddy died on Jack's birthday and no one (Jack especially) has felt like celebrating. She seemed to be doing okay. Joining in and laughing. Always, there's laughter. But, apparently she had spent the whole evening holding back, making herself be okay. Being strong for us. Bleh.........
I can take the trauma I'm feeling and multiply it by 10 to try to understand what she's going through. "I know other women have lost their husbands...." she would try to explain, "but it's not the same. They didn't have the relationship Jack and I had." This is a true statement. On my cousin's property, there is a tree around which a chain was wrapped many years ago when the tree was much younger. After all these years, the tree has grown around the chain, through its links, holding it permanently in place. If Daddy were the tree, Mom was the chain.
We rode along as she grieved. She has learned to go ahead and cry, feel the pain as thoroughly as she needs to and then settle back in to this new "numbness" of a life she's trying to figure out. "I don't want to be here without him. We were supposed to go together. But I know the Lord has left me here for a reason. I've got to be okay with that." And therein lies the struggle. Always, she's been a rock. In the midst of a crises, you could count on Mom to be in control of the emergency, not controlled by it. But this rock has been cut in two. One part seems solid while the other side is crumbling. She struggles to learn "how" to be okay.
God's grace washes over her. His word is more vibrant and enticing. She prays more intimately now. The Spirit of comfort hovers over her, injecting peace into her life. And she embraces it all. She has learned to love with a Godly love, deep and secure. But the primary object of that love has gone on before her.........
Pray for Mama. She would ask you to pray for strength. She would ask you to pray that she finds the purpose God has for her now. She would ask you to pray for her to honor God as she shares this part of her journey with others......
I love my mama.
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Is there life after death......part 2
Days blur together. Time is a tangled mess. I can't make my brain focus. I stumble along half conscious, half in a fog. I've lost someone who has always been part of my life. No matter how I was or where I was, he was forever a part of my life, a part of my "being" really.
I told the others he was my daddy longer than anyone else's. They quickly reminded me I had nothing to do with it. Still a true statement, I said. AND he also loved me best. (I'm sure I'll catch flack for that....oh well.) One fact they cannot refute is how very much like him I am. We were kindred spirits. Over and over in different situations, something would happen, or someone would say something and we would look at each other and know exactly what the other was thinking. Often I would know what he was about to do and avoid it just in time. I loved the things he loved. I noticed the things he noticed. We compared notes and ideas. How do I do life without him?
Well of course, I know I have life after his death. Of course. Of course. Right? Anybody got any hints as to what that looks like? I have pondered this new aspect of my life for the last week. God brought (brings) comfort, but I also needed clarity. I shared with Mom a little "nugget" the Lord laid in my lap the other day. He says to me, He says, "So do you believe you can be even happier in the days to come than you were while he was alive?"..................After some initial disagreement and fierce mental gymnastics, I realized this could be true, that it WOULD be true. If my happiness is based on my relationship with Christ, if all things work together for good, and I know His desire, always, is my joy and fulfillment (in Him), then I can be confident in my future, whatever that may be, whatever it becomes.
Whew....... One day at a time, Lord. Even tomorrow....... Happy on Father's Day..........
I told the others he was my daddy longer than anyone else's. They quickly reminded me I had nothing to do with it. Still a true statement, I said. AND he also loved me best. (I'm sure I'll catch flack for that....oh well.) One fact they cannot refute is how very much like him I am. We were kindred spirits. Over and over in different situations, something would happen, or someone would say something and we would look at each other and know exactly what the other was thinking. Often I would know what he was about to do and avoid it just in time. I loved the things he loved. I noticed the things he noticed. We compared notes and ideas. How do I do life without him?
Well of course, I know I have life after his death. Of course. Of course. Right? Anybody got any hints as to what that looks like? I have pondered this new aspect of my life for the last week. God brought (brings) comfort, but I also needed clarity. I shared with Mom a little "nugget" the Lord laid in my lap the other day. He says to me, He says, "So do you believe you can be even happier in the days to come than you were while he was alive?"..................After some initial disagreement and fierce mental gymnastics, I realized this could be true, that it WOULD be true. If my happiness is based on my relationship with Christ, if all things work together for good, and I know His desire, always, is my joy and fulfillment (in Him), then I can be confident in my future, whatever that may be, whatever it becomes.
Whew....... One day at a time, Lord. Even tomorrow....... Happy on Father's Day..........
Friday, June 17, 2011
Is there life after death?
No feeding tube. Mom and Dad had discussed this numerous times and had promised each other over and over they would not let that happen........Daddy couldn't swallow. He was paralyzed on his right side. He couldn't speak. He was groggy from the meds, but when, in his semi-consciousness, he heard the doctor discussing a feeding tube, he raised up, intensity in his eyes and looked at Mom. "Don't worry, honey. I won't let them do that to you" she assured him. Daddy settled a bit, still hanging on to every spoken word, alert, waiting.
The doctor continued to explain to Mom the reasons for a feeding tube and the repurcussions of not having one. She explained to Mom she would be starving Daddy to death, watching him day after day, slowly dieing. Nevertheless, anguishing, Mom would not budge. No feeding tube.
Completely confused, the doctor turned to Daddy. He was alert and could nod his head. "Mr. Dean, do you understand what will happen without a feeding tube?" He nodded his head. "You know what this means?" He nodded his head. "So you do not want a feeding tube?" He shook his head. "You're okay with this?" Again, affirmation. "Well, that's it then." And the doctor shrugged her shoulders, turned and walked out, absolutely sure they had made the wrong decision.
Daddy relaxed. His blood pressure dropped significantly, and he closed his eyes. Preparations were made to move him out of the ICU and into another room. Two day later, Daddy was discussing it all with Jesus. The doctor was called back in to confirm he was gone. There was really no medical reason he should be gone yet. The doctor seemed at a loss once again.
Why wasn't he fighting to stay alive? Why was Mom so calm about it all. Why, with seven children was there not one who disagreed? Where was the fear, the uncertainty? Love for him was evident. We didn't want him to go. What then?
Relationship. In a society where death is to be avoided at all costs, you do everything you can to stay alive. We dread death. We fear it. We don't want it and run from it given the opportunity. So, why was it so easy for Daddy to move toward his death with peace and contentment? Why was heaven his peaceful choice? Relationship. Not his mom and dad who were already there. Not the unborn child whom he'd never met who waited for him. No. The primary draw with his relationship with his Savior. He longed to see Jesus. Daddy always told us GOD IS REAL. He knew this to be true and couldn't wait to be with him. This desire drew him from loving relationships here to the One who gave His life as a sacrifice to pay for Daddy's sin. This was truth beyond doubt for my dad. He never wavered. And so he did not fear. He longed for it and was glad to make the transition.
What of us left behind? Do we fear death? What does that say of our relationship with Christ? GOD IS REAL. One day "every knee will bow, every tongue confess" and we will understand once and for all His deep desire for close intimate relationship with us.
"...O death, where is thy sting?....."
The doctor continued to explain to Mom the reasons for a feeding tube and the repurcussions of not having one. She explained to Mom she would be starving Daddy to death, watching him day after day, slowly dieing. Nevertheless, anguishing, Mom would not budge. No feeding tube.
Completely confused, the doctor turned to Daddy. He was alert and could nod his head. "Mr. Dean, do you understand what will happen without a feeding tube?" He nodded his head. "You know what this means?" He nodded his head. "So you do not want a feeding tube?" He shook his head. "You're okay with this?" Again, affirmation. "Well, that's it then." And the doctor shrugged her shoulders, turned and walked out, absolutely sure they had made the wrong decision.
Daddy relaxed. His blood pressure dropped significantly, and he closed his eyes. Preparations were made to move him out of the ICU and into another room. Two day later, Daddy was discussing it all with Jesus. The doctor was called back in to confirm he was gone. There was really no medical reason he should be gone yet. The doctor seemed at a loss once again.
Why wasn't he fighting to stay alive? Why was Mom so calm about it all. Why, with seven children was there not one who disagreed? Where was the fear, the uncertainty? Love for him was evident. We didn't want him to go. What then?
Relationship. In a society where death is to be avoided at all costs, you do everything you can to stay alive. We dread death. We fear it. We don't want it and run from it given the opportunity. So, why was it so easy for Daddy to move toward his death with peace and contentment? Why was heaven his peaceful choice? Relationship. Not his mom and dad who were already there. Not the unborn child whom he'd never met who waited for him. No. The primary draw with his relationship with his Savior. He longed to see Jesus. Daddy always told us GOD IS REAL. He knew this to be true and couldn't wait to be with him. This desire drew him from loving relationships here to the One who gave His life as a sacrifice to pay for Daddy's sin. This was truth beyond doubt for my dad. He never wavered. And so he did not fear. He longed for it and was glad to make the transition.
What of us left behind? Do we fear death? What does that say of our relationship with Christ? GOD IS REAL. One day "every knee will bow, every tongue confess" and we will understand once and for all His deep desire for close intimate relationship with us.
"...O death, where is thy sting?....."
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Days of our lives.....
And so it goes. Days where you think you can't go on. Days when you're angry at people who walk in the sunshine and laugh. Days that you try to make sense of things and get a grip on this new reality in your life. One step in front of the other. One day after the other. Finally, days where you smile more than you cry. It's a journey.
Mom is a rock. Always has been. The lighthouse in the storm. But this is different. So very different. When your life is meshed with someone else's for 56 years, part of you is missing when they are gone. Jack and Joy. She struggles with how to define life without him. How think without considering him. How to "be." But she forges on. Confident in the Lord's strength and desiring to find His purpose for her life now.
Mom is a rock. Always has been. The lighthouse in the storm. But this is different. So very different. When your life is meshed with someone else's for 56 years, part of you is missing when they are gone. Jack and Joy. She struggles with how to define life without him. How think without considering him. How to "be." But she forges on. Confident in the Lord's strength and desiring to find His purpose for her life now.
Monday, June 13, 2011
It matters that my daddy died.....
In a world bereft of honorable men, we are short one more. Dad lived his life honorably in so many ways. He wanted to honor his dad and so refrained from certain activities as a teenager because of how it might reflect on his dad's name. He honored my mom in every way possible. He honored her by loving her and leading her. And she responded with respect and support. He honored me by being the kind of man of which I could always be proud; and by living life in such a way that I could see a lifestyle demonstrated before me that would help me know how to live. He honored his friends, students, players and anyone who crossed his path by giving them his heart. He was ever ready to sacrifice to meet the need of another. But most of all he honored his Lord. All else was secondary. ALL else was secondary. And, so, when it came time to go home he eagerly embraced it. It matters that he's gone. It matters that his influence is no longer among us. It just matters......
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Graveside with Mama
One week ago this evening, Jeff and I were returning home from Mom and Dad's. We had picked up some burgers and stayed to watch Wheel of Fortune with them. Mostly we were watching with Mom. Daddy was too busy shooting squirrels away from his bird feeders. All was normal. We'd see them tomorrow. We'd gather as a family for lunch. Instead, we gathered at the hospital.
One week later, I drove Mom to Daddy's graveside. She had to make sure everything was as it should be. She was a rock, of course. Talking of practical matters and of the abundance of amazing grace the Lord had bestowed upon us through this trial. We talked of how overwhelmingly God's hand was in every detail of every event, every segment of the experience, working out things we would never have given a thought. Even as I acknowledged His presence and work among us, I shook my head in disbelief. This cannot be real. No. No. Each time this happens (and it happens often) He comes to my side, comforts my heart and gives me strength to continue to live on to serve him as Daddy always did.
"Let not your heart be troubled...."
One week later, I drove Mom to Daddy's graveside. She had to make sure everything was as it should be. She was a rock, of course. Talking of practical matters and of the abundance of amazing grace the Lord had bestowed upon us through this trial. We talked of how overwhelmingly God's hand was in every detail of every event, every segment of the experience, working out things we would never have given a thought. Even as I acknowledged His presence and work among us, I shook my head in disbelief. This cannot be real. No. No. Each time this happens (and it happens often) He comes to my side, comforts my heart and gives me strength to continue to live on to serve him as Daddy always did.
"Let not your heart be troubled...."
Friday, June 10, 2011
Farewells......
Daddy's funeral this morning.....awesome. Laughter and tears. Smiles and sorrow. In all, the Lord glorified. Daddy is pleased I know. I know he's happy and wouldn't come back if he were given the option. As we are sad for us, we are supremely happy for him. Thanks to many friends and all our family. We grieve not as ones who have no hope. Mom told Daddy to try to keep his mansion clean until she could get up there. Apparently, hers will sit empty while she moves in with Dad.....
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
....denial....
I just keep shaking my head. As if denying our loss will make it not real. I know God is good. I know He is wise. I know He loves me. So how can He possibly make this situation okay?.....He doesn't make the situation okay. He makes me okay.......He makes Mom okay......hopefully soon.....
Funeral arrangements
The Dean family will be receiving friends at McDougle Funeral Home in Anderson, SC from 6 to 8 Thursday evening. The funeral will be at 10:00 at Oakwood Baptist Church, Anderson, SC on Friday.
New home
Daddy's with Jesus now. He's wanted to go there for a long time. He talks with our Savior. He will give Jesus tips on how best to comfort us.
My Daddy
Sunday morning as Daddy headed out to church, he felt dizzy and collapsed in the carport. EMTs were called and while we watched they took him from us. We would never see him at his fullest again. He was taken to AnMed and it was determined that he had suffered a stroke. He revived for a bit somewhat, then lapsed back into some paralysis which made it difficult for him to communicate with us. He could nod and shake his head. He was very alert and aware of what was going on around him. He was very definite on his desires for his care. He and Mom had discussed possibilities for the future and there were no surprises or need to discuss options. We were careful to respect the decisions and desires that Mom and Dad shared with us. As we all know, Daddy knows the direction he wants to go. There's no second guessing. No faltering or wavering. Full steam ahead, no looking back. So be it Daddy.
Today, he is resting. His breathing is shallow and irregular. He does not seem to be aware of the love and music and prayers going on around him. But we are aware. It is a balm to our breaking hearts. We do not sorrow without a hope. We sorrow for our loss, not his. When his time comes, he will go before us and we will catch up with him later. This certainty offers little comfort just now, but is a promise we will hold on to.
Today, he is resting. His breathing is shallow and irregular. He does not seem to be aware of the love and music and prayers going on around him. But we are aware. It is a balm to our breaking hearts. We do not sorrow without a hope. We sorrow for our loss, not his. When his time comes, he will go before us and we will catch up with him later. This certainty offers little comfort just now, but is a promise we will hold on to.
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